Man…those two words are so complex to me. DREAM BIG. Every one tells you that you have to DREAM BIG. You have to DREAM BIG for your life so that it counts. DREAM BIG so that you can see God move in your heart and use the work of your hands for great things. No DREAM is too BIG for Him. DREAM BIG if you want a career that matters and makes you happy. DREAM BIG if you want people to notice you. DREAM BIG if you want to make the most of what you have been given. If Im brutally honest, hearing those two words only makes me feel stuck. Insufficient. Lost.
What if your vision is cloudy and you don’t have something huge under your hat? What if you are so caught up in the every day “struggle” of being a wife-mother-photographer-business owner-daughter-and-friend that you I don’t get the chance to focus on much outside of that. I don’t know if its generational or just my industry but it feels like we have all bought into this lie that we all are capable and SHOULD be doing big-giant-mighty-amazing-ASTRONOMICAL things or we are waisting our talents…or our life. Its exhausting reaching for a star that is blurry and difficult to see.
When I analyze my dreams I am so divided. One part of me wants “fame” and glory and for people to know my name, recognize my work, seek me out, tell me Im fabulous, and shower me with praise because they know I have knowledge they could use or need or WANT…the other part of me is very different. The other part of me wants success to mean I get to do a job I love, touch peoples hearts, show people Jesus in the way I love on them daily, snuggle my children , sit by a fire place at night with a glass of wine in one hand and my husbands hand in the other, family dinners, coffee with my girl friends, and a long list of things that are completely and utterly ordinary. It sounds like a giant sigh of relief when I say it all out loud.
When I was at Pursuit31 in September, my amazing small group leader, Elizabeth, gave each woman in our group an envelope with a word written on the back. The word was something that God had laid on her heart for each of us. She had spent time praying that word over each of us and although she had no rhyme or reason to picking the individual words for us, her word for me hit the nail on the “DREAM BIG OR GO HOME” head…PROSPERITY.
I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and say, “Get out of my head lady! What does that even mean!?!” Buuuuut I was too busy weeping and trying to get myself together so I didnt look like I was unstable in front of all these women I didnt know. **lets be honest…when have I ever cared if people see me cry. This is so far beyond normal for me its obnoxious. 😉 Prosperity…what do I want that to look like for myself and my family?
I havent really been able to pin point a DREAM BIG idea for myself. I know things I love…I LOVE photography and weddings and families and children…I LOVE teaching about photography and helping others make the most of their businesses…I LOVE empowering women and showing them they are beautiful and strong and can do any-damn-thing they want because God crafted them in a way that is unique and special and amazing…I LOVE my family…I LOVE showering my friends with gift (its literally my favorite). I love love when I see a groom look at his bride to be for the first time. I love father-daughter dances. I love wedding cake and babies and laughter that makes your belly hurt. I love a lot of things but there isn’t one big giant dream that makes my heart catch fire. Jesus makes my heart catch fire…but when it comes to just something for ME to do…I draw a big fat blank. Its like hold music being streamed in via Panera Bread (its boring…please make it stop. Tasty bagels…terrible dining room sound track). And it makes me feel pitiful and lame and I think that sucks.
I promise this is not intended to be the kind of post that 1. make you guys all think Im crazy and don’t want amazing things for my life or 2. comes off as a pity party-“please tell me Im awesome!!” type of deal. I just wanted to share where my heart has been lately and how I get caught up in this big ole game of comparisons with others that you do. And it leaves me feeling just as inadequate as it does you. As silly as it sounds, I don’t have a product to offer you. I don’t have a game changing idea that is going to revolutionize the photography industry. I don’t have a brand new method of doing my job that is going to make me a gazillion dollars and cause me to be an internet sensation. But…I do have a Love List. And considering all of the things of this Love List are things I have experienced and get to experience in my normal everyday life, Im going to count that as a win. And today that is more than enough for me.
Annnnnd just because every post needs a picture…here are my two little monkeys. They top my Love List.