Grief.

This picture make my heart happy….so I’m sharing it first.

When it rains…I SWEAR it pours. This week has been a big ole ball of emotional mess for me and I just needed to get it out there and off my chest so my heart and mind can breathe and I can get myself in check.This week has been hard. Really hard.  This week I have heard stories of loss and pain and grief that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Situations where the only thing you can do is sit and sob. Don’t hold your breath, Im going to tell you about them…but I don’t share this week so that you can be filled in on information and have it sit dormant in your mind…but so that you can pray and help me love on some families that need the arms of Jesus as if their very lives depended on it.

Monday

Friday I got a call that I had my yearly check up at my gynecologist. Bleh. Thats never a fun appointment and i have NO idea where this appointment came from…I can tell you hands down I do NOT remember making this appointment. So I got up, dropped babies off at schools, and Anthony took me so we could ride together and he would just run errands while I was at the doctor. My sister-friend Holly had her 14 week check up with baby #4 just  45 minutes after me so when I saw her in the hallway we exchanged a quick wave and I left while she entered. Anthony and I get in the car and 5 minutes later, we get a call from Holly. She’s sobbing and asking us to come back. I knew she was nervous going in to this appointment because she had been super sick a few weeks ago and her family had been really sick with strep and the flu around Christmas. I felt like I should have gone in the room with her while when I saw her at my doctors office but for some reason, I just decided to go.

When we got there I sprinted upstairs to the office, burst through the door and was really hoping that Holly had just called me because she was paranoid and wanted someone to hold her hand before the appointment started. Anthony was hoping we would get there and she would say her car wouldn’t start and we could blame her crying on hormones and laugh about it all later. That wasn’t the case. Her sweet, beautiful, precious, 14 week old baby was gone. And she was devastated. And I was gutted having to watch my friend deal with the immediate onset of grief and overwhelming sadness. When her husband arrived it was even more awful because I was watching two people I love so dearly face the reality that this little life they loved so much already…was gone. The doctor came in and gave us info and we left to go back to their house but the hardest part of all of it was when Holly had to tell their oldest child…a darling 6 year old girl who loves babies and family as much as her mommy. It was brutal. This sweet girl wailed and sobbed and screamed and fell apart and I was so overwhelmed and just begged God to put that pain on me and not her. Ive never wanted someone else’s pain so bad before in my life. As a parent, I try to shield my family from pain as much as possible…but when the pain happens TO your family it engulfs you and you can’t run from it even if you try. Having to tell my kids was hard. Reese didnt really get what was going on and Riley went into “its ok! We can fix it…lets make a game plan” mode. Side Note: He’s a fixer like his daddy. He just keeps wanting to make things better. The recover process to this whole story is going to be really hard and I am asking you guys to pray for our friends Derek and Holly.

Tuesday

I am shooting the Big Hearts Pageant for Extra Special People in Athens in a few weeks and I was talking with a friend who works for the organization about the details for the day and she tells me she is just so upset about a friend of hers. Her friend is a photographer in Texas and has a sweet little family of 4. The families 4 year old daughter had battled cancer and got a “Cancer Free!” diagnosis in December. This past weekend she drown in a hot tub and was on life support. Tuesday afternoon, she went to be with Jesus.

My head and my heart were at odds when I heard this new. I don’t know this family. I don’t know their kids and I didnt even know the little girls name until this morning. But I went numb and my heart ripped open for this family and the excruciating loss they are enduring. I can’t even imagine. I don’t even want to close my eyes and pretend to put myself in their position. They need arms around them…lots and lots of arms around them. So please be praying for the Session’s family.

Wednesday

I just walked around feeling beat up. I didnt want my kids to go to school or my husband to go to work…I just wanted us all to sit in a single room and stare at each other and hug and say we love each other all day. Instead…we had to get to normal every day stuff. I had lunch with a close friend and was able to just spend some time praying and then had dinner with my husband while the kids were at Awana’s that evening. Two of Derek and Holly’s babes came over for a bit and I was able to do their girls’ nails and spend some time making her feel special and that made my heart happy.

Thursday

Thats today. Im feeling better today and more in “let me help!” mode rather than “help me!” mode. God is filling my heart with His words and comfort and I feel like the insane worry in my heart is starting to subside.

This week has been a big ole whirlwind for me and Im ready to have it close on a good note. Im sorry to sound like such a Debbie Downer…there have been some really great things this week. 3 more fantastic couples have booked us to shoot their weddings this year. I have had some amazing conversations and raw moments with a few of my Pursuit Community Athens ladies. I’ve been bold asked for a few things I have felt pressed on my heart to be involved in and regardless of the outcome, I’ve asked…which was a HUGE deal for me. All of these things have kept my heart afloat this week.

Life matters friend. Life is hard sometimes but it still matters. Please just keep praying for these families. I can’t help but keep going bad to the song ” His eye is on the sparrow.” I know that this place is not my home and its weeks like this that I just pray, “Come Lord Jesus, come…”