The crush. We’ve all had one and the feelings you get when you have a crush can be overwhelming to say the least. Feelings that make you crazy and make you sane all at the same time. That feeling of butterflies you get in your stomach and the itch in your throat when your crush walks past you in the hall. It’s the doodling of your name with his name on the back of your notebook, the daydreams you have of all of your friends coming up with a stupid couple name for you two (I’m looking at you Bennifer…), and the excitement that makes your pulse race and your upper lip sweat just a bit when you realize you are going to be in the same room at the same time. It’s sleepless nights. It’s the searching for words. It’s the ache in your heart for something that might never come. And finally it’s the breaking you feel all over when you realize that your feelings aren’t reciprocated. The only thing worse is when you have finally started to move on…started to accept that it’s just not going to pan out (and you are better off just cutting your ties and not making eye contact) and it happens. You see him in the hall and a smile graces the right corner of his lips and he tells you your hair looks nice….and then that breaking starts all over again. Good heavens, WHY does it hurt so bad?
I’ve been working on a project for well over 18 months now and y’all…it’s my crush. I love it so much. I spend my time searching and writing and repeating and loving all over this beautiful little thing. It’s the thing that I can’t seem to tear my heart from and the thing I want more than anything I’ve wanted in my business in forever. And it may not work out. My words may fall flat. My chance may never come. But what I have to keep reminding myself of is the fact that even through the unsettled, defeated, and at times hopeless feelings I have about this crush, with or without it God is still good. If nothing else, it’s taught me that I don’t need to look at my relationship with the Lord and say, ” If you love me, then this will happen. PICK ME. SHOW ME I’M IMPORTANT TO YOU.” But what I need to be saying is, “Even if you don’t pick me. Even if I never get to do this one thing I desire, You are still good. And You are still loving. And YOU are still my love. No matter what you give me, nothing can change that.”
It doesn’t make the pain go away…and sometimes I’m not so kind to Him when my heart hurts. But I know I’m important to Him. I know you are important to Him. And that is better than any platform, boyfriend, stage, or earthly love I could ever have.
*p.s. I am more than happily married so…my crush is not a guy. hehehe 😉